Wulfweard the White

Children in need

2009-11-21T20:09:51+01:00

I wasn't surprised to see that postmen have raised £300,000 for Children in Need.

Well they have had a lot of free time lately haven't they.

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That ahhhhh moment

2009-11-21T10:54:26+01:00

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Isn't it ironic

2009-11-21T10:18:37+01:00

This week working in Leicester I popped out at lunch time for a bite to eat. Walking back eating a delicious lamb samosa, I was aproached by a young asian lad eating a sausage roll.

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First thing that popped into my mind when I left the tepee

2009-11-15T14:10:37+01:00

Some of the best funny personal names can be found in the US Indian Census of 1880. The anglophile versions of Native Indian names can be hilarious simply due to loose translations.

Native Americans named their newborn children after the first thing they spotted when they exited the tepee. Some of the best actual names I list below.

Bad Ass
Dogs Rectum
Sold His Ass
Big Dick
Crooked Prick
Fore Skin
Four Balls
Frozen Pecker
Testicle Head
Washing Prick
Long Face New Breast
Tits Down
Bites as he Sucks
Comes Inside
Comes Twice
Daw Fucker
Fanny Man Eater
Growls as she Comes
Lucy Comes Behind
Obscene son of Beaver
Pays for her Trouble
and the best for last

Plays with himself

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Hampstead Heath

2009-11-14T19:57:53+01:00

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Top Ten adult movie titles

2009-11-14T19:39:59+01:00

1. Forest Hump
2. The Object Of My Erection
3. The Porn Identity
4. Sex Trek: The Next Penetration
5. Shaving Ryan's Privates
6. ET: The Extra Testicle
7. Alien vs Sex Predator
8. Sex Toy Story
9. Buffy The Vampire Layer
10. In Diana Jones

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Thought for the day

2009-11-14T15:14:20+01:00

I was born on the cusp of Leo and Capricorn......
Does this make me a Leprechaun?

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What! Londoner's wont even share a taxi.....

2009-11-14T14:58:11+01:00

Found in the San Franscisco Chronicle

So you think London, population 8 million, is crowded with the living?

There are many millions more under the soil of a city that has been inhabited for 2,000 years. And London is rapidly running out of places to put them.

Now the city's largest cemetery is trying to persuade Londoners to share a grave with a stranger.

"A lot of people say, 'I'm not putting my Dad in a secondhand grave,'" said Gary Burks, superintendent and registrar of the City of London Cemetery, final resting place of close to 1 million Londoners. "You have to deal with that mindset."

The problem is a very British one. Many other European countries regularly reuse old graves after a couple of decades. Britain does not, as a result of Victorian hygiene obsession, piecemeal regulation and national tradition. For many, an Englishman's tomb, like his home, is his castle.

That view is also common in the United States, which like Britain tends to regard graves as eternal and not to be disturbed — although the U.S. has a lot more space, so the burial crisis is less acute.

In much of Britain, reusing old graves remains illegal, but the City of London cemetery is exploiting a legal loophole that allows graves in the capital with remaining space in them to be reclaimed after 75 years.

Burks points to a handsome marble obelisk carrying the details of the recently departed man buried underneath. The name of a Victorian Londoner interred in the same plot is inscribed on the other side. The monument has simply been turned around for its new user — whose family, Burks says, got a fancy stone monument for much less than the market price by agreeing to share.

Since a change in the law last year, cemetery staff have begun the even more sensitive process of digging up old remains, reburying them deeper and putting new corpses on top, in what have been dubbed "double-decker" graves. They'll be sold for the same price as the cemetery's regular "lawn" graves — those in open grassy areas — or about $3,200.

Burks, a burly man who began working at the cemetery as a groundsman and gravedigger almost 25 years ago, said reusing graves will buy the rapidly filling cemetery six or seven more years of burials.

"We are doing our damnedest to make the cemetery more sustainable," he said.

So far, no other cemeteries have followed City of London in reusing graves. Many Britons have an instinctive resistance to the idea of grave-sharing.

"I don't even want to think about it," said 29-year-old London receptionist Temi Oshinowo. "It's not showing respect. It doesn't matter whether or not the person has been buried for 25 years or 100 years, that is their space and you should give them respect."

Martina Possedoni, a 23-year-old saleswoman, agreed.

"It's like a second home and it's weird to think a stranger is in your home with you," she said.

It's an attitude that frustrates advocates of grave reuse. Julie Rugg of the Cemetery Research Group at the University of York in northern England jokes that Britain's problem is that "we weren't invaded by Napoleon." Countries that adopted the Napoleonic Code have been reusing graves for almost 200 years.

"We just need to get on with reusing graves," Rugg said. "Grave reuse gifts back to us our Victorian cemeteries to use again."

Britain, a crowded island, has long battled to find room for its departed residents. Over the centuries they have been packed into mass graves, tucked into churchyards and laid out in sprawling cemeteries. London is like a layer cake of the dead: Victorian upon Medieval upon Saxon upon Roman.

Construction workers frequently find remains dating back centuries. Workers building venues for the 2012 Olympic Games have unearthed 3,000-year-old Iron Age skeletons as well as Roman and Medieval artifacts.

For centuries Londoners were buried in churches or small churchyard cemeteries, but when the Industrial Revolution brought a population boom, the existing spaces couldn't cope.

Alarmed at the perceived health risks of overflowing graveyards, the government passed laws starting in the Victorian era that banned urban churchyard burials, outlawed exhumation without government permission and established large municipal cemeteries.

Unlike the cramped churchyards of yore, these Victorian cemeteries were green, park-like spaces that soon became tourist attractions as well as final resting places.

London's most famous, Highgate cemetery, attracts thousands of visitors a year to its tilting tombstones, crumbling crypts and the graves of everyone from Karl Marx to "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" author Douglas Adams.

Opened in 1856 on the edge of Epping Forest in east London, the City of London Cemetery is the largest municipal graveyard in Europe — 200 acres (80 hectares) of tranquil avenues shaded by chestnut, lime and plane trees. Its residents include Victorian worthies, 1960s-era soccer star Bobby Moore and Catherine Eddowes and Mary Ann Nichols, two victims of Jack the Ripper.

It hosts 1,000 burials and 2,500 cremations a year, but Burks says that if it does not reuse old graves it will soon run out of space.

He and other burial advocates hope the government will take the initiative and overhaul the law, making the reuse of graves — currently only permitted in London — a nationwide practice.

The government is in no hurry to do so. Justice Minister Lord Bach told lawmakers earlier this year that while "the case for reusing old graves had been accepted in principle ... this is a sensitive issue that needs to be handled delicately." He said there were no current plans to expand the practice.

Meanwhile, others are looking for alternatives to burial. Cremation has been encouraged by the authorities for a century as a clean, space-saving alternative. It's also much cheaper — cremation at the City of London Cemetery starts at $440, while the cheapest adult grave is nearly $1,600.

As a result, Britain has one of the world's highest cremation rates — almost three-quarters of the population chooses to be incinerated rather than interred.

The future-looking are touting resummation, or "flameless cremation," a process that uses an alkaline solution to dissolve bodies. But it is not yet recognized in British law.

Still, many religions — including Muslims, Jews and some Christian denominations — strongly favor burial over cremation and the number of Britons who want to be buried remains steady at more than 25 percent.

Burks firmly believes that burial has a future.

"A cemetery like this," he said, looking around at a tranquil scene of grass, trees and marble headstones, "can be used for generations."

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When is "Therapeutic" Sex, not "Therapeutic" Sex?

2009-11-14T13:44:53+01:00

The U.S. Tax Court ruled in September that William Halby, 78, owes back taxes because he improperly tried to deduct $300,000 over a five-year period for "medical" expenses that were merely purchases of sex toys and pornography and payments to prostitutes. Halby said the activities relieved his "depression," in that he had no other sexual outlets. The court reminded Halby (a retired New York tax lawyer) that prostitution is illegal in New York.

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Want a tune on the radio

2009-11-14T10:49:18+01:00

Listen in to Seahaven FM, phone 01323 899226 and Danny and I will play you a tune....

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Down to one drink a week now

2009-11-13T23:58:52+01:00

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Lounge Lizard

2009-11-08T13:49:33+01:00

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The first acorn of common sense

2009-11-08T11:02:39+01:00

UK councils please take note.

FRANKFORT, Ky.

A spokeswoman for Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear says he's calling the tree on the Capitol's front lawn a "Christmas" tree this holiday season.

A statement from the administration last week sparked Christmas consternation by referring to the yet-to-be-chosen evergreen as a "holiday" tree. Some Christians were perturbed by the terminology.

Spokeswoman Kerri Richardson says the administration received a steady stream of e-mails and phone calls about the "holiday" tree. She says it's always been a Christmas tree to the governor, and it will be this year, too.

The governor is inviting critics of the "Christmas" tree to a lighting ceremony Nov. 30.

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Who needs therepy?

2009-11-07T23:30:25+01:00

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Louis Walsh

2009-11-07T22:33:18+01:00

When will this man get a reality check, smell the coffee and realise that he is either tone death, or the biggest bullshitter in the world....

Louis the louse should bow out of this competition at the end of this year and never come back again.

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Please Please Please

2009-11-07T22:12:46+01:00

Will someone out there please put John and Edward out of their misery (and mine)....

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Guess the odd one out:

2009-11-07T19:09:02+01:00

Lord Stevenson, former chairman, HBOS Bank
Andy Hornby, former CEO, HBOS Bank
Sir Fred Goodwin, former CEO, RBS Bank
Sir Tom McKillup, former chairman, RBS Bank
John McFall MP, chairman, Treasury Select Committee
Alistair Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer
Sir Terry Wogan, presenter of the BBC Radio 2 Breakfast Show

It's Terry Wogan, the only one with a banking qualification.

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Saturday Meme

2009-11-07T13:17:25+01:00

1. With Friday the 13th on the horizon, do you have any superstitions?
I will not walk under ladders and hate seeing a single magpie.

2. Have you any phobias?
Still have a fear of heights.

3. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes I am sure that some residue of our existance remains once we die.

4. Do you believe in UFO's?
There are too many unexplained instances for me to say no.

5. If you could reincarnate, what would you come back as?
Hard question, I could be really crude, but no I think it would have to be a tortoise on the Galapagos Islands.

6. Do you believe in past lives?
I have flashbacks of the English Civil War and I am sure I was once a Roundhead.

7. Have you a lucky number?
Yes, 8

8. Have you ever had your fortune told?
Only by Taro cards never by a medium.

9. Do you believe in Karma?
Yes, positivity seems to bring more of the same to me.

10. Has conventional religion had it's day?
I would say that it has lost its way and needs to get back to basics.

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Quote of the night

2009-11-06T23:03:02+01:00

If you got to swim in shit, keep your chin up.

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Instant Viagra

2009-11-06T21:01:42+01:00

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft..

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Map reading, a dying art

2009-11-01T11:48:30+01:00

Anybody out there think that Sat Navs are the worst techology ever? Having to listen to inane interjections from some plumy voice, that seems to sound smug when you miss the turning, must add to in car rage and frustration. I am glad that Jeremy Clarkson has the same opinion takeing into account this quote of his.

"Everyone can navigate by instinct and if you can't, there's something wrong with you and you should be in prison. The only people who can't navigate instinctively are women and anyone trying to find Malpensa airport in Milan."

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When you know you are too old to Trick or Treat

2009-10-31T21:40:31+01:00

Nicked from Miss Cellenia

10. You get puffed out from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

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What lurks under your bed ????

2009-10-31T20:57:31+01:00

Most countries have their equivalent of the Bogeyman, here are of the best.

1. There are many theories about the origin of the word “bogeyman.” One is that it devolved from “buggy man,” the driver of the cart picking up corpses during the Black Plague that decimated Europe. As in the United States, the bogeyman may be nothing more clearly defined than a mist or fog, scratching at windows, or he is sometimes thought of as a tall, gaunt, scarecrow-like man.

2. In Japan you find The Namahage who visits each house on New Year’s to ask if any misbehaving children live there.

3. The Korean bogeyman is called Kotgahm, which is the word for persimmon. The legend is that a mother told her crying child that she would feed him to a tiger if he did not behave. A passing tiger, hearing the threat, waited outside the door for his meal. Instead, the mother gave the child a persimmon, a kotgahm, and the crying stopped. The tiger thought the kotgahm must be a terrifically fierce creature to be more frightening than a tiger. Today, the kotgahm is most often visualized as an old man with a mesh sack who carries naughty children away.

4. In Spain you find El Coco hairy little man with a coconut as a head, with the three holes the features of a face. During the 16th and 17th centuries in Spain, there were orphan collectors, who took children away in sacks. The misbehavior? Refusing to go to bed and sleep.

5. In Finland we find one of the most unusual of the world’s bogeys the Groke, a giant blue blob who is so lonely and sad that the ground beneath her feet freezes as she walks. She is not malevolent, just lonely. But she frightens people, and they run from her.

6. Soctland has The boggart which is a malicious fairy who causes personal calamities, small and large. It sometimes puts a cold hand on people’s faces at night. You must not name it, or it will become unreasonable and follow your family wherever you go. A horseshoe over the doorway will protect you from boggarts.

7. In the Bahamas you find The Small Man who has a rolling cart and captures children who are out after sundown. If he gets you, you will become a Small Person yourself, and ride in his cart forever.

8. In Bulgaria you find Baba Yaga’s evil partner, Torbalan who lurks in the shadows in Bulgaria, waiting to snatch misbehaving children and carry them away in a sack.

9. Poland has Bubak a scarecrow-like man who hides on riverbanks, making sounds like a lost baby to lure adults as well as children. He drives a cart driven by cats and weaves clothing for the souls he has stolen.

10. Holland has The Bolman who has claws and fangs. He hides under your bed or in your closet waiting to grab you and put you in the basement if you don’t sleep.

11. Pugot Mamu from the Phillipines, is a gigantic, headless shape-shifter who lives in trees and deserted houses. Self-beheaded, he eats children through the hole in his neck.

12. The Bonhomme Sept-Heures – the seven o’clock man – from Canada may have been taken from the English “bone setter,” an old name for a traveling medicine man. The seven o’clock man steals children, but can only get you if you are awake.

13. The Norwegians have The Nokken, a lake monster, will get you if you don’t come in when called.

14. The Jumbies live in Trinidad and Tobago, post-death misbehavers. They are shape-shifters, so children are taught not to play with random animals. There are several ways to defeat Jumbies, however. You can leave your shoes outside; Jumbies have no feet and will spend the night trying to get the shoes on. You can leave a container of sand or rice outside the door; Jumbies will have to count each grain. You can cross a river; Jumbies won’t cross water. You can leave a rope with many knots; Jumbies will have to untie each one.

15. Italy has l’uomo Nero, a tall man with an unseen face, a heavy coat and a black hat. He hides under the table and parents knock on the table to warn their children that l’uomo Nero is present and will take them away if they don’t eat their dinner.

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New word of the day

2009-10-31T12:36:14+01:00

My son came out with a new one last night.

'Chillaxing' need I give an explanation?

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Proof that sports drinks work LOL

2009-10-31T11:35:35+01:00

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Trick or treat

2009-10-31T11:23:42+01:00

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Am I hearing things?

2009-10-31T10:39:20+01:00

I was watching one of the latest ads for Windows 7, the one with the guy in the gym who talks about the snap feature. But was I hearing things when he says "I am going to Wulfweard my genius now".???

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Senior moment

2009-10-30T19:39:35+01:00

Have you every had a senior moment?

I was listening to the radio whilst in Leicester, when a DJ admitted that he might be getting old. He related the fact that he had thought he had lost his mobile phone. After searching the house for it for several hours, he gave up, accepting that he must have dropped it somewhere.

Later that evening he heard the phone ringing and searching for where the sound was coming from found it in the fridge.

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It's all gobbledy gook to me

2009-10-30T18:07:39+01:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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Move over there is a new Diva in town

2009-10-24T18:02:38+02:00

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